My poor mate

This photo is the pet of some people I thought were very nice when they came to stay. It seems I was very wrong. I just can't believe they would do this to a nice, friendly dog like Milo. Poor chap.

How humiliating. I'm phoning the RSPCA at the earliest opportunity.

And I just hope Mr and Mrs Owner don't get any daft ideas like this....!

Cat mechanic

The Big Softie came back with a mouse the other day. Stupid bat let it go and it ran under the car so I chased after it - the Big Softie is far too large to get under there (and scared).

While I was there I thought I'd check the brakes and the air filter.

My playground has gone

They've got it in for me. All my playground trees are disappearing. They are cutting them all down and muttering about more light.

Never mind that. What about us cats? The scratching posts are missing, the birds aren't coming so close to the house any more and The Big Softie won't get herself stuck in that pear tree again.

That was so funny. I really really laughed. She got stuck in a fork in the branch and Mr Owner had to go and rescue her. It's the funniest thing I've seen for ages.

Here's a picture of me (Figgy) in what is left of my favourite tree (the fig).

What's Big Brother?

There are mutterings abroad about a Big Brother. I don't know what that means but they are thinking about getting one for me.

Does that mean that I have to live in a house with lots of dysfunctional people? Do I have to argue and cry? Do I have to sleep lots and complain about the food?

Hang on, no change there then....

Do I get to meet Davina? Now she looks like a lady who would like a beautiful boy like me.

Another new routine

Unfortunately they spotted me in the bedroom and have made us all sleep in the kitchen again - unless I manage to escape and have a night on the tiles.

But, I am having some lovely evenings with Mr O. I wait until he settles down in his big red chair and then I climb on his lap and stay there until bedtime.

It's lovely and cosy and I only stick my claws in his leg when I feel as if I'm going to fall off.

Birth-day

Mrs O had something called a birth-day yesterday. She didn't look too happy about getting older.

I don't know why she fusses. I age seven years in every one of hers. That makes me about 10 years old now. Heh, heh! Roll on puberty, I can't wait to be a stroppy cat teenager!

How do I get out of here?

Sleeping arrangements

I don't think they have noticed me. I'm sure they've forgotten something. For the last few nights I've been sleeping on the bottom of their bed! Hee, hee, It must only be because they forgot to put us in the kitchen like they usually do.

The Big Softie has taken up residence on the foot stool - she is such a big girl that she hangs over the edges . The Serene One chooses her spot very carefully. Sometimes she sleeps on Mrs Owner's head, she tells me she used to sleep there when she was a kitten and it's her favourite place because she can protect Mrs Owner, although I don't know what from. When she sleeps there I have to sleep in my own bed on the floor because she growls at me if I get too close to her. Sometimes she sleeps on the sofa in the lounge and sometimes she doesn't come to bed at all but stays out all night.

The thing is, because they probably don't know we're there, I don't dare start scratching at the door so early because they might remember to put me in the kitchen at night again, and I really like sleeping near them.

Especially when it's on top of Mr Owner's feet!!!!!

Getting out

All I wanted to do was go out and play with the mice in the field.

Mrs Owner came downstairs and it was still dark. I reminded her to let me out by scratching on the door and she sprayed me with water again. So I thought I'd let her know about the other door and she did it again. I dried myself off and tried again. She really should just let me out when I want to go you know. I'm trying hard to train her properly but it isn't working yet.

I scratched at the window - got sprayed. Dried myself - tried both doors. Got wet. In the end I gave her a very hard stare for ten whole minutes and eventually she got the message and let me out.

I wonder if I tried the hard stare first off she might get the message.

Big red thing

The last visitors were nice.

They came on a big red thing with two wheels and they looked very scary at first, but when they took off the big hat things they had on their heads, and all the squeaky clothes they looked quite normal. I had been keeping my distance because I thought the Owners had been invaded by aliens but when I saw that they were just people dressed up, I went to make friends with them.

Mr Visitor let me sit on the big red thing which is called a Honda and then he took my photo. I felt like a glamour model and posed the best I could hoping that he would give me a sweetie, but he didn't. Never mind, next time he comes he'll probably remember to bring some nice treat with him. Just like Grandma does when she comes. I miss Grandma. Now Tubbs isn't staying with her any more I hope she'll come and see me again soon.

The Little Bar Steward

I told you not to leave me out in the rain

The Little Bar Steward

Sand pit

Wow, they've got us cats a new loo! It's a huge square full of sand and gravel and it's going to take us ages to fill it up. I've already left my message and The Big Softie is eyeing it up too so I don't think I'll be able to keep it to myself.

Mrs Owner is going over there now with a big box of stuff. Hang on, I'll just see what she's up to...


...

Phwarh!!!!! It really pongs. She said something like 'That'll keep you little buggers off it'.

I don't understand. Why would They have made us a new loo and then not want us to use it? I'm off down the field again now. There's a nice spot down there in the long grass that'll have to do instead. It's a bit wet but I get more privacy there anyway.

The Little Bar Steward

Today I will be mostly sleeping

I'm knackered. Cream crackered. Whacked out. Bushed. Pooped. Done in. Dog tired.

I must say the new chap is quite nice. Mr Owner brought him here in the blue car. He made all the right noises when he arrived. Tickled my ears just where I like it, and said I was lovely (even though he says he doesn't really like cats), and didn't complain when I had been sitting on his bed all day.

Then after they'd all had something to eat we all went for a walk. I have to go with them you see, in case they get lost. All the time we are out I try to engage them in conversation. You know the sort of thing. 'Did you hear that rustling in the bushes there?' 'There's an interesting smell just under this tree'. But they didn't seem to be interested in what I had to say. They looked a bit concerned when I started panting though. Well, it's all very well for them, they don't have to wear a fur coat when they are walking up that steep hill and my legs are a lot shorter than theirs too.

Anyway, we walked for what seemed like ages and in the end I had to ask for a lift. Mrs O complained. Well, she should have realised my paws would be that muddy, shouldn't she?

When we got back I had to lie down for ages, but two of them went for another walk. They were collecting blue berries from the trees talking about slow something. Gin, I think. I had to go with them to protect them from any strange creatures that might come leaping out of the undergrowth (those grasshoppers are pesky creatures, you know). So I had two long walks yesterday.

Today I will be mostly sleeping.

The Little Bar Steward

Tubbs is going home

Tubbs' Mum is back home today so she will have to give up her life of luxury with the Old One, the fun and games, the extra biscuits and curling up under the Old One's duvet. Tubbs' Mum is too clever for words and knows just when Tubbs is trying to get round her. I expect she will spoil her for a few days though because she's bound to have missed having the little girl around winding in and out of her feet when she's doing that housework thing.

I hope Grandma will come and visit me soon. Mrs Owner says we've got lots of visitors coming in the next few weeks. I hope they are all cat lovers. The first one is arriving today so I'm going to go and warm his bed up for him. It's OK, I've been out and got really muddy paws and covered in grass so I'm sure that will make him feel really welcome when he arrives.

I'll have to be at the head of the welcoming committee too, The Serene One and The Big Softie just never get that sort of thing right. You'd think that since they are so much older than me, they would know exactly how to behave, you know the sort of thing, rub round their ankles until they make a fuss of you. Then you have to check out all the bags they bring with them to see if there are any Thomas Treats in there, and if they don't pick you up and make a fuss of you, you have to catch your claw in their trouser legs or trip them over. They all learn in the end.

The Little Bar Steward

Friends and foes

I was quite worried about Mrs Owner yesterday. She was wandering about the place with a face like a wet weekend. Her and Mr Owner kept taking us for walks, down the lane, up the lane, round the field, through the woods. And all the time they were rattling a box of biscuits, whistling and calling. Then I twigged. They were looking for The Serene One.

Come to think of it, I hadn't seen her since Sunday either, but I'm not one to mope if she's not around. The bully.

Just to make them feel better, me and The Big Softie hung around all day. Normally I would have had to go off and make sure all those little playmates of mine were behaving themselves (it's funny, but there aren't as many of them about as there were), but anyway, I thought I'd stay home to try and make Them feel better.

She still wasn't home last night and Mrs Owner was really upset. After all, two and a half days is a long time even for The Serene One to be gone out for a walk. When Mrs O came and let me out this morning after I'd been rattling the door for some time, The Serene One came rushing in and ate ALL the food, as if she hadn't had any biscuits for days. Well, maybe she hadn't but it still isn't any excuse to growl at me when I wanted to have some biscuits too.

......

I'm looking forward to my new friends coming over to play later on. There's this little boy who I used to play with. He's called Jack and he belongs to the family but I don't see him much since we came to live in the countryside. This new chappie is a bit smaller than Jack but he's quite friendly I think. Only trouble is, I don't understand a word he is saying. Mrs O says he talks French. Luckily the little chap seems to understand kitten talk and when I roll over on my back he tickles my tummy just like I want him to.

The Little Bar Steward

My deer neighbours

We've got new neighbours. They don't live in a house, though. They live in the woods. The don't get fed by Mr and Mrs Owner which is sad really because they do find us quite nice biscuits and the Whiskas kitten food at bedtime of course (which Mrs Owner calls wet doos).

The new neighbours seem to just eat grass. I can't understand how they survive on that. I only eat it if I've got a fur ball and need to throw up. Mrs Owner calls it my bulimic moment, whatever that means.

They aren't very friendly either. I went to look for young Bambi yesterday afternoon to see if he wanted to come out and play 'mouse hunt', my favourite game, but he wouldn't come out of the woods no matter how much I called to him. Then those noisy jays started shouting at me again, I think they thought I was after their babies to come and play too, but they never let them join in my other favourite game of 'feather bed'.

The Little Bar Steward

My new toy

A new toy arrived in the garden yesterday. Apparently it is another 'car'. It isn't anything like the horrid blue thing that they take me out in sometimes - that's when I either get a needle stuck in me or I come home feeling groggy with a sense of something missing.

This car is real fun. I can get in and out of it as well as underneath because there aren't any windows. I was hoping they might put a nice cosy blanket in there for me but they haven't yet. I'll have to get them more organised.

It would be really cool to sleep in there because I can see all around me and I would have warning if The Serene One was approaching with a playmate, or just to have a go at me.

I only wanted to play

Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. If I liked them I'd go and eat worms.

Mrs Owner keeps spraying wet stuff at me. The Serene One growls every time she sees me and even the Big Softie kept telling me to shut up and go back to sleep this morning.

Lucky that I had a big, big cuddle with Mr Owner last night before bed. He called me soppy and daft.

I don't know what that means, I was just trying to give him a cuddle back.

The Little Bar Steward

Do not disturb

They thought I slept outside last night because it was a warm night.

Actually, I was at a rave. Today, I will be mostly sleeping.....

More wet stuff

I already told you I hate wet stuff. Mrs Owner knows that, so why did she spray it in my face? I only wanted to let her know that it was morning and time to go out and find some playmates.

I let her know how upset I was by not coming back for four hours. I thought she might be worried by then, but she just said 'Oh, you're back then', and carried on with what she was doing.

I was sitting outside last night in the dark when I heard her ask Mr Owner if she should come and look for me, and do you know what he said? 'Oh don't worry, he can stay out all night then we might get a lie in' (whatever that is).

Needless to say, as soon as I heard that I started scrabbling on the big door with the window so they let me in.

I ask you, I nearly missed out on my Whiskas kitten food last night.

Just as a concession to them though, I didn't wake them up quite so early today.

The Little Bar Steward

Noisy Bar Steward

Mrs Owner here. The Little Bar Steward went out early this morning after being sprayed in the face with water for scratching on the kitchen door noisily at 6am. He hasn't dared show his face back again yet.



Meanwhile, you might like to see The Big Softie in her favourite pose. We are thinking of changing her name to Lavender or Rosemary.

A postcard from Tubbs

Hi Cat Lovers.

I got a message from Tubbs yesterday. Sounds like she's enjoying herself, running rings round Grandma. I hope she doesn't trip her up or anything.

Thought I'd share it with you.

The Little Bar Steward

Hi, Figgy
I've had a great morning here! Have you ever played 'hide and seek'? The Old One really loves it. While she was busy I disappeared - just like that! I could hear her all round the house, opening cupboards, looking behind curtains, then in the garden... that was fun, its not very big but there's lots of places to hide, lots of bushes and stuff. Anyway, THREE, yes three, hours later she comes into the bedroom, looks out of the window and calls for me, then goes to straighten the quilt cover and.... there I am!! Stretched out half way down having a nice little snooze. I think The Old One is a bit thick really, I ask you, you would think she would have checked there when she was looking in cupboards and drawers to see if I had got shut in anywhere (as if I would)!! I'll let you know of any more good games I think up, otherwise it's OK here now we've got the ground rules sorted. You know the sort of thing, doors to be opened instantly, food always available and it must be exactly what I want - I made her open four packets this morning - she worries that I'm going to starve (again - as if I would)!!
La-aer, as we street-wise cats say
Tubbs-the-Terror

Lucky, lucky, lucky

My mate Tubbs is going on holiday today. Lucky Tubbs.

She's being packed off to Grandma's while her owners go on holiday. I'm really jealous. I love my Grandma, she never growls at me and she usually brings me treats when she comes to visit. Unfortunately, Tubbs hasn't got a passport so she can't come and visit me in France and because Grandma has to look after her, it means that she can't come and visit for a while either.

Mrs Owner growled at me again today when I made her come and let me outside as soon as it was light. She tried it again a bit later when I came back home but this time I just shouted back at her.

I think I am learning how to be a teenager!

Fed up

She GROWLED at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just hate that, it's bad enough when the Serene One does it, but Mrs Owner too.

I'm off out for the day. I'm not hanging round here to be growled at!



And I'm hungry too, The Big Softie ate all the biscuits.....

The Serene One's bedtime reading

She says she's reading this, but I see she is sitting on a Thomas the Tank Engine bean bag.

I think she is having me on!

Wet stuff

I hate wet stuff. It falls out of the sky and makes my coat all wet.

If I've been outside in wet stuff Mr and Mrs Owner will take a big blue thing called a towel and chase me round the house trying to rub it all over me. This makes a mess of my fur and it takes me hours to get the tangles out. That is, if I both to take the tangles out. Usually I just lay around looking messy. They won't let me lie on their bed if I'm wet and messy and that makes me REALLY miserable.

I used to hate being fussed and brushed but just recently I've got to really like it. The Big Softie seemed to like it and just lies there rolling over and over while they do it and she purrs really, really loud. So I thought I'd just lie there one day instead of chasing the brush thing with my claws out and having Mrs Owner scream when her hand got in the way. And, I have discovered that I really like it. I can't quite purr as loud as The Big Softie but I'm practicing and I'll get there one day.

The Little Bar Steward

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PEOPLE

Why do I not understand people? Well listen to this.

They are always pointing at those noisy bird things and saying things like 'Ah, isn't that pretty?' 'Ooh look, I wonder what that is'. They obviously like them a lot. Mr Owner is always getting these big glasses out to see if he can see them in trees and things.

So, when I found one this morning. Honest, it was just lying around somewhere. I thought I'd take it indoors for them to have a better look at it, save getting those big glasses out all the time.

You would not believe the fuss. Mr Owner had been in bed having a cup of tea. He didn't even bother to put his trousers on when he came running downstairs to see what the noise was (that bird thing wasn't half making a racket and there were two more outside shouting just as loud). Then he chased me out of the kitchen and told me to take it away.

You'd think they would have thanked me for helping them to get to know the local wildlife at close quarters.

I'm going to go and lie down now. I've got a headache.

The Little Bar Steward

Visitors

One of my most important jobs is to greet visitors.

Well, they call it greeting, but what I'm really doing is checking them out to see where they have come from and if they should be allowed in.

Take yesterday's visitors, for example. They smelt of dog. Now I'm not sure whether dog lovers should come in or not. One the one hand they obviously like animals but on the other hand they have a dog and that makes them suspicious in my book.

I sat beside them for a while wondering what to do but then Mrs Visitor started scratching me in that spot just behind my ears which makes me go all soppy, so I decided that she was OK after all.

The Big Softie and I were chatting at lights out time last night and she was telling me that Old Prickly had been over for a game this evening. She said she smelt him hiding in the wall but he wouldn't come out and play. If it had been me who found him, I'd have grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and dragged him out to play. Lightweight! She says he hurts when you do that, but I'm sure he's OK really. I'll get him next time.

The Little Bar Steward

Good morning, cat lovers.

Guess what I did yesterday? I caught a mouse. The Serene One was having a day off after her night out on the tiles so I had to catch my own. It's a bit like having a take-away without the delivery service.

This was a particularly rotund and pretty specimen so I carted it back to show The Owners. Mr Owner was busy doing things with bits of wood (I can't understand that), so I took it over to Mrs who was sitting under the chestnut tree reading a book.

Minnie (the mouse) liked the look of Mrs Owner and tried to climb up onto the comfy lounger with her. I don't know why, but Mrs didn't think this was a good idea and Mr came rushing over with a broom saying something about mice nesting in the cushions. I don't know why they were so fussy, I'd have got her out of there again. Anyway, Minnie ran under the tree into the long grass and wouldn't come out to play again. I suppose it was a bit like my game of hide and seek with Mr the day before, but I did find her eventually and took her over on the big bit of grass to play kiss chase instead.

She lost.

The Little Bar Steward

Damn. I thought I was going to take over as boss cat but The Serene One turned up at home this morning after nearly 48 hours on the tiles.

I'd been doing my very best 'look at me I'm lovely and I need a cuddle' act too but They seemed unimpresssed. I did get a cuddle but They were distracted. It's OK though because now she's home they are paying us all lots of attention.

I made up a new game yesterday. It's called Hide and Seek, except only one person does the hiding (me) and one person does the seeking (Mr Owner). He was out in his dressing gown for ages last night calling me, but I just pretended not to hear him.

Then it rained so I had to stop playing and get indoors to protect my beautiful coat from getting wet.

The Little Bar Steward

Why I can't play with every playmate I catch

After our traumatic journey, life changed completely for us cats. After a week or so, They opened a door and instead of going out and leaving us inside, they let us go outside with them.

We were amazed at what we had missed. All these little playmates are sitting in the grass and down holes just waiting for us to come out and play with them, not to mention those feathery things. Mind you, I'm not too keen on birds, their feathers get up my nose and make me sneeze - and they are really stroppy too, always shouting at you from the trees if you get too near to them. It's enough to give you a headache.

One day, I found this really big furry thing and took it home for Mr Owner, so that he could see what a big clever boy I am. When I put it down he shouted at me and threw me indoors so I couldn't play with it any more. He said it was a red squirrel and I'm not allowed to play with them - they must be a bad influence on me or something. Anyway, he watched it go back into the trees before I was allowed out again. Actually, he's welcome to go back up there with those noisy birds.

The Serene One was here all day yesterday. I hate it when she does that because she always growls at me whenever she sees me, especially when she thinks They aren't looking. I thought she was going to fetch me a little playmate but I don't think it wanted to play. It sat in the top of a bush, right in the middle and The Serene One couldn't catch it. Mrs Owner said it was a pretty little thing and good luck to it. Funny, I thought she didn't like them, she always complains if I take them indoors for her. People can be very contrary sometimes.

How to move house

Not long after my nasty experience at the vet, They decided to do something really strange. They emptied the house completely, put everything in a big white thing with wheels, shut up the house and left us all alone all night with nothing but food and water.

We were really scared, even The Serene One was jumpy and kept running from window ledge to window ledge. We didn't know what was going on and thought we had been abandoned. Then, when it was still dark, after hours and hours on our own they turned up again and put us one by one in plastic boxes. Before they managed to catch me (I tried everything I could to find a hiding place) I threw up all over the floor, I was so scared. I don't think They were very impressed with that. Of course I knew what was coming next. You guessed it, back into the horrid blue thing that moves. We were bundled in with Mrs Owner. I was privileged to be allowed to sit beside her, but it didn't make me feel any better. We tried to tell her that we didn't want to be there, we did what we do best. We all screamed but when we realised we weren't going to be rescued, we gave up and went to sleep waking up every now and then to see if our ordeal was over.

Mrs Owner had been making some strange noise for hours, I think she called it 'singing', but it wasn't the same sort of singing as we do. Our singing is much prettier. She claimed it kept her awake because her radio wouldn't work or something. When we'd had enough of this The Big Softie decided to make a break for it. She was doing really well, egged on by me and The Serene One. She managed to get out of her basket and went for a wander round the blue thing to see if she could find a way out (I think by this time she must have been dying for a pee!). Mrs Owner made another funny noise and the blue thing stopped moving. We thought our ordeal was over then, but no. Mrs Owner grabbed The Big Softie by the scruff of her neck (most undignified and not recommended) and, muttering something about dangerous motorways and lucky we weren't hit by a juggernaut, whatever that is, she bundled her back into her basket and did something to stop her getting out again. She said some very naughty words, did Mrs Owner.

Finally we did stop and They put us all inside another new home. Did she not realise how traumatic this can be for a little guy like me? Three homes in three months? I thought I would have a panic attack and probably spend the rest of my days hiding under a cupboard, but The Serene One had already had that idea, so I made good use of the toilet facilities in a noisy and smelly way that only us boy cats can, ate all the food put down for all three of us and went to bed.

The next morning it was like nothing had ever changed. It was just like being in the other house, especially as our own sofa turned up. Actually, we thought it was very thoughtful of Them to have our sofa brought here just for us to sleep on (no-one else ever uses it, it's covered in our fur). And they even brought Grandma over to spoil us with cuddles and Thomas Treats.

Now, if only we could work out exactly where we are ....

The Little Bar Steward

The Big Softie

I spent all last night comforting the Big Softie. You'll never believe what Mrs Owner did to her, I can't believe how callous that woman can be sometimes.

The Big Softie (BS) had had a bit of a lazy day as They went out and left us in the garden with no food all day. When They do this BS has to sit at the back door and wait for them to get back, sometimes it's only an hour or so and sometimes They seem to be gone for days - I don't know how long it was yesterday because I fell asleep under the yew tree in the shade and left BS on guard.

So when They got back we had to make up for several hours of not eating. Even the Serene One was waiting for them and she's normally gone all day down in the neighbour's vegetable patch keeping his mouse population down. So, we managed a bowl of food each (still those horrid dry biscuits) and settled down for a bit of a doze since we were all quite well brought up and have to let our dinner settle down before we can go and check out all the mouse holes again.

So it was quite late when BS went off to check the holes in her patch (we have our own designated hunting areas). I had been cruelly locked away for the night and wasn't allowed out again, but poor BS had just got herself a little shrew to play with and Mrs Owner told her she had to come indoors. Naturally she wanted to do her duty and dispatch the little blighter before bed and was just getting into the swing of things when Mrs Owner grabbed her, picked her up and locked her indoors. BS was distraught and swore and cried (so she must have been upset, she doesn't normally say much at all), then she scowled and scowled at Mrs Owner until They went to bed.

She was pretty upset, I can tell you, so I had to give her a good grooming session to calm her down. I even offered her some of my precious jelly food but she was too upset even to lick the jelly off it.

Owners can be so cruel!

Hello cat fanciers! I promised more of my story today.

I settled in at the new home pretty well. Mr Owner and I, well, we're just a couple of lads really and we liked to hang out together. I would sit on his shoulder while he looked at some moving pictures on a box in the corner of the room, or we'd play one of my favourite games, the one where I run in and out of his legs while he cooked Mrs Owner's supper.

Then one day he really let me down. He gave The Serene One and The Big Softie their late night snack but he locked me in another room all on my own. If that wasn't enough, the next morning he let Mrs Owner put me back in that horrid plastic box and put me in the blue moving thing again.

I tried all I could to make her take me home again because I thought perhaps I'd upset them and they were taking me back to my Mum's house again, but I was relieved when the blue moving thing stopped after a short while.

I am so stupid. I should have realised something else was wrong. She handed me over to this lady in a white coat and left me there. I shouted and shouted until eventually the lady took me out of my plastic box and stuck a needle in me. Then I went to sleep I think but when I woke up there was this horrid smell of disinfectant and I had the feeling something was missing from under my tail - sure enough when I checked I found I was a couple of round objects missing!

Eventually Mr and Mrs Owner came and took me back home again, but things have never been the same since. I don't really enjoy hanging out with the boys any more. The Serene One and The Big Softie don't look as pretty as they used to and cleaning my nether regions hasn't been as much fun for a long time.

TTFN

The Little Bar Steward

How to handle a woman...

(Wasn't that a song by Keith Michell?)

Like I promised yesterday, I thought I'd let you know how I get on with the women in the house.

Being such a beautiful boy, of course I have them all wrapped round my little claw by now. I've been in the family for about 9 months now, even though I'm not a year old yet but that makes me just about a teenager and, boy, do they know it!

There are three females in the house. Mrs Owner and my two Aunties; The Big Softie and The Serene One.

Mrs Owner - she's a soft touch. All I have to do is rub up against her and she goes rushing off to do my bidding. Of course, that is usually getting her to fetch a towel to dry me off after I've been romping in the long grass, or a brush to get all the burrs out of my fur, I don't know why she doesn't like me to have them there, anyone would think I was all scruffy or something. Mrs Owner is also the one who normally feeds me.

After several weeks of her only giving me this dry food which I hate, I finally persuaded her to let me have a little bit of Whiskas kitten food in jelly before bedtime. It helps me sleep, you know. I don't always want the food but I insist that she gets it for me anyway - but I do like licking the jelly stuff even if I don't eat the meat. The only problem is that I have to share it with The Serene One.

Now, there's a girl with a problem. I don't know what her problem is but she just doesn't like me. Mr and Mrs Owner think she's lovely and she's always rubbing round them, getting on their good side. She swears at me whenever she sees me but, like I said, I've really got her wrapped round my little claw because she always shares her food with me even if she's got there first. Sometimes she even brings me home a little playmate. You know the type, little furry things that don't miaow. Sometimes they squeak though. I love playing hide and seek with them - of course I'm always the seeker. Eventually they all get fed up though, so I either leave them in the garden for Mrs Owner to find, or I eat them. Well, that's life (and food). The Serene One is really good about bringing these playmates for me though, and she never wants to join in the hide and seek game so I get to keep them all for myself.

The Big Softie, she's a different kettle of fish (whatever that means). She doesn't do much, just hangs around the house most of the time. I love to play rough and tumble with her, funny how she always makes like she doesn't want to join in, you know, running away and stuff, but I know she's just playing hard to get really.

Sometimes she comes and helps me clear up after a game of hide and seek but mostly she sleeps. And eats.

Well, that's all for now chaps. I've just got to go and take up my guard cat position on the window ledge. Just in case some bumble bee tries to get in the house you know. I just hate those big buzzy things.

Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you the story of what they did to me when I was a kitten (I'm sure there was more of me once upon a time).....

TTFN

The Little Bar Steward

Welcome to my world

Well, hello here.

My real name is 'The Beautiful One', but round here they call me Figaro or The Little Bar Steward. I can't understand it, I've never even been to a bar in my life, let alone worked in one.

However, let me introduce myself. I'm a nice little chap really but I've had a troubled life and people just don't understand me. Come to think of it, other cats don't understand me either.

It all started when I was just a few months old. There I was living happily with my Mum and her sisters, and a few other lads when one day I was kidnapped!!!! I ask you. One minute I was chasing the big boy's tail and the next I was bundled into a plastic box and thrown into this big blue thing. The worst bit was when it started making a noise and then it moved!! I can tell you, I let them know I didn't want to be there. I screamed and screamed. Well, actually I said a few things that I'd learned from the bigger boys at home but I don't want you to think I'm always foul-mouthed. Well, I was screaming for help, like I said and finally the blue thing stopped moving and I was taken into this other home.

Now, I was used to being in charge in the old place. My Mum and her sisters did whatever I wanted them to and the other chaps were really friendly and I could wrap them round my little claw, but in this new place my new Aunties didn't think I should be in charge at all. One of them went and hid for three days (and she should know better since she's four times my size) and the other one just spat at me every time I went to introduce myself to her.

I should say that the Owners are quite nice people though. They gave me a nice blanket all for myself (not that it was needed since I found a really neat place to sleep in Mrs Owner's hair), and they gave me cuddles every now and then - soppy stuff really, but they seemed to like doing it. But they also gave me these biscuits to eat which, I can tell you took some getting used to. At my Mum's place I'd had this other stuff called 'Chi-Ken' or 'Feeessh', something like that.

Anyway, I've got to go out and sort out a shrew or two. I'll give you more of my story tomorrow - How I handle the women in the house.

TTFN

The Little Bar Steward